Never Let Me Go
by badmoonrisingx
Summary: Elena has repressed so many feelings for Damon since meeting him. What happens when she can no longer fight to keep him out? Elena's thoughts and feelings through that amazing scene in Heart of Darkness.


Never Let Me Go.

I could almost here feel his eyes on me as I heard him leave the bathroom. Lying in this cheap motel bed with more thoughts running through my head than I cared to focus on, I was scared to open my eyes and meet his persistent gaze.

I could hear him moving towards me and my heart clenched a little. What was he doing? Please don't get in the bed beside me, I silently begged. I don't think handle any more of Damon's advances at the moment. There had just been too much going on recently to even know what was going inside my head.

But then I heard the tell tale clink of the bourbon bottle as he picked it up from the bedside table, disappointment coursed through me and I couldn't help opening my eyes to watch him walk away.

There was something so beautifully raw about Damon, he put on a front but there was so much more to him once you scratched the surface. The peaceful moments he gave to Rose in her last minutes on this Earth shouldn't have surprised me, they were so typically Damon. The real Damon, the Damon that managed to forget that he'd spent 150 years loving someone who never loved him back.

As I watched him put on his shirt, I could think of nothing but the times that Damon had let me in. He was so willing, where I was concerned at least, to sacrifice so much to let me be happy.

He was so willing to protect the ones he loved, even if that list was only a few names long. The devotion he had to his brother, the friendship with Alaric, even the awkward alliance with Caroline. And here he was, looking out the window to check for danger, making sure that no harm would come to us.

I turned onto my side a little to get a better look at him as he poured himself a drink and sat down, hearing him sigh just sprouted another batch of unanswerable questions in my head. What did Damon think about? What does Damon feel? Katherine had caused so much hurt and pain to him, and I was doing the exact same. He looked so different when he thought no one was watching. I could have watched this side of Damon forever.

As I watched him twirling the cup in his hand and bringing it to his mouth, it seemed like it took a lot of effort for him, like something was playing heavy on his mind. And at that moment, all I wanted to do was reach out and comfort him, just hold him close.

And then he looked over at me, those blue eyes piercing through my soul, making me feel as though he could read every thought that was running through my head. I reacted in the only way I knew, I closed my eyes. There was something tugging at my seams, feelings I had long pushed to the back of my head. I couldn't let these feelings in. It would just create so much drama in an already crowded room.

But didn't I owe it to Damon, to Stefan, and especially to myself to find out what these feelings truly where. Did I love him? I knew I did, of course I did but did I love him in the way that he wanted me to?

It was that heart wrenching thought that made me open my eyes to meet his gaze. And this time I kept it, trying to communicate with my eyes everything my heart was feeling. I could see the confusion flit across his face, mixed with intrigue. He would want to know what it was that kept me awake, but was I ready for this?

I had to be, I didn't have time to back out now as he moved towards me from his place at the window, nearing the bed and keeping up the eye contact. I couldn't look away. It was almost like some invisible force was drawing me to him.

The bed dipped as he lay down beside me, placing his hand behind his head, his shirt open showing of his perfectly sculpted stomach. Damon's face betrayed every emotion he felt if you looked closely enough. I couldn't quite understand the look he gave me; it was almost bittersweet, tinged with acceptance.

It reminded me of my thoughts Rose, he had been so selfless, and yet he never shared it with anyone. He didn't do it for his own gain, he did it for her.

"You never told me about that." I speak aloud, breaking the heavy silence.

Confusion once again flitted across his face, like he didn't understand what I meant, his eyes questioned me. I bet there are many things that Damon hasn't told me.

"What you did for Rose?" I clarify, and he turned away from me to gaze at the ceiling.

"It wasn't about you." He answered and I could hear the sting in his voice, I could see it in his face as he fell silent.

I smiled, a small sigh giving me away. Calling Damon out on things like this really hit a nerve.

"Why don't you let people see the good in you?" I asked in awe, don't most people want to be seen in a certain light? To have people look to them and be able to say how completely selfless that person can be?

"Because, when people see good. They expect good." He replied, staring up at the ceiling. Regret filled his voice and once again I can only wonder what was going through his head.

"And, I don't want have to live up to anyone's expectations." He turned over to face me, his eyes were hard and I knew he meant me. I know that I'm the one person who will always expect more from Damon, but that's because I've seen it countless times. I've told him so before, I know he cares.

I swallowed hard and took a deep breath, trying to decipher through all that I'm feeling. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be, to let Damon in. I turned onto my back breathing out deeply to try and control my heart. This is the Damon that makes me feel. This is the once that could command my heart. I let out another breath, giving away my panic and the revelations that are going on inside my head.

I moved my hand at my side and I felt it brush against the coolness of his skin. His hands are soft as I felt them searching for mine. They feel almost unsure, like he's waiting for a reaction and after all the times I have pushed him away, I'm surprised he even wants to attempt to be close to me. Something has changed, I can feel it racing through my body, there's something building up inside me and I'm fighting to control it. I wondering if he can feel it too, and then by the way he stroked my hand I knew he could.

I looked down at our hands intertwined and looked back at him, no words even needing to be spoken, like our hearts were saying enough for the both of us. And for the first time, I let the thought enter my head, why couldn't I have met him first?

I looked away as the thought pierced my heart, it's almost too much to bare as the panic set in and I let out a shaky breath. What about Stefan? My head is screaming at me to run, to fight this off, that he will ruin me. But for once I could hear my heart too, and it's screaming too, louder than my head. It's telling me to just let him in, to give in to him and to just let him love me.

I can't deal with it. It's too much. Every emotion imaginable is running through my body. And it's my head that won as I jumped up from the bed, grabbing my cardigan and walking out the motel door. I know I will have hurt him; once again letting him close for a moment and then pulling back and putting the wall back up. My heart is aching at the very thought. I just can't seem to let go, I'm terrified of what will happen if I give in.

I found my way to the nearest solid object, leaning against the vending machine, letting out disappointed, strangled sigh. I'm no better than Katherine. How can I even do this to Stefan, to Damon? How can I possibly love them both? The lump in my throat seemed to be getting bigger, the racing of my heart faster and the tears threatened to burst out at any moment.

I heard the click of the motel room door as he followed me outside and my heart clenches painfully again. How much hurt is he actually willing to go through for me? He never walks away from me; he always wants to see it through to the end. I'm not worth of his devotion, I'm not worthy of either of them.

For the second time that evening, I'm silently begging him not push me any further, not to call me out. At this point, I don't think I can take anymore. I hurt myself every time that I hurt him, I can't keep doing this to him.

"Don't." I stated. The words coming out automatically, this is how it usually goes. This is the way it has to be

"Why not?" His was voice challenging, and I could hear the pleading behind it, daring me to give in.

My head and my heart were screaming at each other again, fighting an inward battle between them.

"Elena?" He breathed, pushing me for an answer.

And, I shook my head as I tried to be coherent, to remember all the reasons why this couldn't happen, the voice in my heart was persistent, screaming itself hoarse. But my heart won, drowning it out completely and the floodgates opened and I was running to him.

Like it was the most natural thing in the world, I threw myself at him, feeling his cool, solid body collide with mine as our lips met. And, I was home. My heart felt like it had forgotten to beat, just like his own still heart.

With our lips moving in sync, his arms pulling me in, feeling the same need as I did. To be as one. I pulled his face closer to mine, trying to show him, just how much I needed him.

And he pushed me back to rest against the wall, our bodies merging, our lips never breaking. I was completely and utterly lost in the moment, for once my head completely blank as all I could see was him. Every moment we had ever spent together was flashing before me, every thought I had ever repressed was flowing through me.

I couldn't help but pull him even closer again, needing him, knowing exactly for once what he was feeling. His lips were travelling down my neck, and the lust was seeping through my body like a fire. I pulled his face back to mind, our lips met once again like they had done so a million times before. I couldn't fight it anymore, I just couldn't.

I pulled back a little, as he did the same. And as our eyes met, the realisation hit, it was Damon. It was always going to be Damon.

And I pulled him back to me.


End file.
